|
|
Monday, October 30th, 2006
| |
11:16 pm
|
Hey everyone long time no talk lol. Sorry to the long an silent absence I have been really busy, I finished up my classes for my school like I said I would lol. But that's old news it's all in the past just wanted to get on an see how all you fine people are doing. Well I'm sorry for making this short but I'm going to go now. Hit me up an let me know whats going on.
current mood:  happy
|
|
|
| Monday, April 24th, 2006
| |
2:06 pm - Everyday bullshit
|
Hey everyone sorry I have not posted anything in a while, been kind of busy. Anyway lets see what is new in my life.... according to most people nothing. Cause all I do is sit around the house. Well so sorry to disappoint all you people, But I have started to get my life together these past couple days. Anyway I have decided to become a bar tender, an I will be attending school in a little while. It's a 32 hour course which teachers you everything you need to know, an they even have job place-ment right out of there which is cool. An I have also giving much thought to moving, Till yesterday I was going to move, but now I find myself second guessing everything. Not to sure what to do. Well aside from all that I still have an equal amount of stress in my life, if it's not from one person I get double the amount from someone else. I wonder when it will all stop... if ever. Well I think that is enough for now, Not really in the posting kind of mood.
current mood:  depressed
|
|
|
| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
| |
9:15 pm - Fuck Off
|
|
Just when you think everything is going good, Just when you think everything was heading in the right direction, Something comes up that fucks everything you worked so hard for up. I don't know maybe its be, maybe I'm the one who does everything wrong, maybe I'm the reason why nothing ever works out. I hate this I know what I want I try so hard to get it but yet I can't!!
|
|
|
| Thursday, April 13th, 2006
| |
11:10 pm - .....
|
So bored right now. Wish I had something to do! Well I'm just chilling over my brother's house with April... his g/f. Getting ready to watch Fun with Dick an Jane. Whenever he decides to get out of the shower. Oh well I can wait for a little while longer. All in all I would say that I am having a rather good day today. I think I will be going out to AJ's bar again tomorrow with April Anna Jen my brother an Greway. Well Dammit here I am bored still, god make me un bored I don't care how you do it but just fucking do it already would ya. grr oh hey pop-corn.... YAY!! sorry short attention span. Oh fuck it no one says anything anyway.... FUCKER'S!!!
current mood:  pissed off
|
|
|
| Monday, April 10th, 2006
| |
7:36 pm - Hey
|
Sorry that I have not been on the computer is a while but I am just chilling out at my friends house, an I'm going back to my brothers house tonight. Or at least I hope I can, as usual my mother an her fuck of the month b/f are being complete an total bitches to me like always. Well I just wanted to get on her an let everyone know that I am okay, an that hopefully I will update this soon. Peace out everyone Love ya all.... An if you never listen to anything I ever say again, at least listen to this. Don't marry for looks, cause there is a surgery that can make you have a supermodel face, there is a surgery that can give you bigger boobs, There is a surgery that can even make you thinner. Just please remember STUPID IS FOREVER!!!
current mood: rejected
|
|
|
| Thursday, April 6th, 2006
| |
2:01 pm - Dead Inside
|
As I lay there on the floor. knife in my hand, looking at her fucking picture. I begin to cry.... I hold the knife over my heart, this is going to hurt I tell myself. I take one more look down at her picture to give me the motivation to push the knife all the way through. But as I look at the picture, an think about everything she has said to me, an everything she has done, I realized that she was not worth the paine that I keep putting myself through time an time again. I put the knife down, dry my eyes, and take one more look at her picture..... Goodbye Megan I say, as I throw her picture away.
The one thing I never got about her was she always told me that I never wanted her, That I never cared about her, that I never loved her. But really I loved her more then myself, I loved her day after day, I cared about her every moment, an I wanted her more an more each an every day I saw her. I don't know why she is saying this, maybe it's true. Maybe I am a bad boyfriend. I guess I will never know.
current mood: disappointed
|
|
|
| Monday, March 20th, 2006
| |
10:42 pm - I don't know
|
Well tonight is going to be another sleepless night. Just like the past few to follow. I just found out tonight that I have been replaced by an apartment. Nice to know where you stand in a relationship... Well past relationship. Oh well nothing I can do about it now, I gone an fucked everything up to the point where it don't matter what I say or how I feel anymore. You know what kills me every time I pick up the phone to talk to her, the thought of her saying guess what? I met someone new. An I'm going to have to sit around an accept the fact that she is totally over me.....
current mood: pissed off
|
|
|
| Saturday, March 18th, 2006
| |
5:38 pm - Fuzzy
|
Today I feel like shit! I went to the bar for the first time ever in my life yesterday, rather last night, an to be honest I really don't see what the big deal is. I mean other then playing pool an keeping my brother an everyone out of trouble it really sucked. Well that's just me an what I think so pay no attention to that.
I think I might have the flu, oh god I hope not. Well I talked to Megan again today.. well a couple time today so that made me happy for the most part. She is leaving to go back to school tomorrow, she goes to ECU, East Carolina University for all you slow people. She is going for Elementary Education. *tear runs down cheek.* I hope she will be okay while she makes that 81/2 drive back home, Yea we may not be together anymore but that don't mean I love her any less. She is still my baby, An just for all you men from North Carolina.. if for some reason you meet my ex an you hurt her in anyway I WILL do everything in my power to make you're pathetic lives a living hell. But yea she is everything to me.
I wish I could stop vomiting, I wish my head would stop hurting as well. Hey today is the longest I've gone without playing neopets. Oh well I think I might go see a movie tonight or something if I feel up to it.
Well my brother is having some friends come over today, an they are going to be drinking again, so now I have to babysit yet again. Oh well I'll just hang on the computer an update my live-journal. Hey I miss Penny!! for those of you who don't know who Penny is, it's my baby's little Tea cup Chawawa. She was so cute too. they would have little dogie sweaters for her, she looked so cute in this one it was a pink sweater an it had a letter P on it. An it was so funny because she would prance not walk like regular dogs do.
But I still miss Megan the most.
current mood:  sick
|
|
|
| Friday, March 17th, 2006
| |
12:35 am - .... Bored
|
Sorry I didn't mean to get all sappy on you people, just thought that I would post some poems. Anyway today is yet another slow moving day where I did not a bad thing all day... wow that sounds like everyother day of my life. Anyway Megan an I are talking again, an yea to be honest I FUCKING LOVE IT!!! Well it's getting late I think I'm going to go an try an get some sleep.
current mood: happy
|
|
|
| |
12:32 am - I PROMISE
|
I promise to be loyal, an that is what I'll be. I promise you'll be happy, as happy as you can be. I promise I will be here, always for you an me. But most of all I promise to love you eternally.
current mood:  crazy
|
|
|
| |
12:26 am - AN ANGEL LIKE YOU
|
The first time that I saw you, an looked into your eyes, I knoew that the heavens opened an sent an angel in desguise. Someone to watch over me, protect me from this place, reach the love within my heart fill the empty space. Guide the way when I am lost, hold me by the hand, share what life has to offer, help me understand, now everyday I thank God, as I gaze up at the skies, for sending love, AN ANGEL IN DISGUISE.
current mood:  creative
|
|
|
| |
12:19 am - A GIRL LIKE YOU
|
You are cute an beautiful too, no one could ask for a girl like you! You like things different then most girls do, I've always wanted a girl like you! Your attitudes awesome, your hopes for us are too, It's hard to find a girl like you! I deeply appreciate everything you do; everyone would love a girl like you! I am very lucky an yes you are too, no one will ever have a girl as awesome an special as you!
current mood: creative
|
|
|
| Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
| |
8:03 pm - Just another day.
|
Damn today is going by so slow. I just wish it would end already. Lets see um today I did nothing at all! I slept till 12:00, then I got up an went to the computer *computer= my life* how sad is that? Signed on msn, yahoo, an aim, again no big thrill there, checked my mail to see if you fine people sent me anything. Went downstairs an got me something to eat at about 2:30, Chicken an a hot pocket *yum*. Then listened to my grandmother tell me how I should drink some German Tea, an how that will cure my depression. Needless to say that was a waste of 15 minutes of my non eventful life. Then I got my phone calls an went back upstairs *an for all you people laughing that I live with my grandmother, well you can go fuck yourselves.* Anyway I talked to no one today except for some lady at CHI, That's my old school before they left me for dead because of my depression. An also Megan, she just called to tell me that she is going to work. An then there is me to scared to say anything to her, Don't really know what will piss her off anymore. But to be completely honest I'm happy that she called me, so that was the most eventful part of my day. Found out her one friend is staying the night with her tonight after she gets off work... Ha I wish it was me staying the night with her, sorry got caught up with the memories there.
Have any of you ever played neopets?? I have to say that even tho it's a kids site it helps me relax an kick back. So I find myself playing around on that site most the day, whenever I get done the other stuff I have to do Like calling Friends Hospital, an my Medical place I just like to kick back there an let loose. I also find that poems help me to express my feelings, although the one person I always made them for is no longer around. Honestly I loved the feeling that would come over me when I would read one to her weather it was over the phone or in person. Her face would light up an she would she me that awesome smile of hers, or if it was over the phone she would sound so sweet an say how much she loved it, an me. God I would do anything to get that back in my life. But how much more can you do when you're doing everything you can do already?
Today I heard a song that would go good for Megan an I. It gave me such hope for us, even more so then I already had. I was thinking about downloading it an calling her up so she could hear it. But I'm to scared as to what she will say. Well she reads my live-journal anyway so the name of the song is *Patience*. Well I hope that song helps, cause I don't know what else to do. I thought getting help would make everything better but sadly it did not, maybe it was due to the fact that I got help just a little to late. Or maybe the cold hard fact is that we were never meant to be together. I don't know how she is taking this but some days when I talk to her it just don't seem to be bothering her as much as it bothers me. I hurt inside an out, I'm in pain all the time, an she was the one person that made everything feel better. Weather it be by a hug, kiss, or a pat on the back, she made all my problems go away. Who knows maybe she is over me already, But I know for sure that I am not over her, an I will never be over her. Some people say I'm stupid for saying that but I don't think I am. There is something about her, ever since the day I first met her. But I believe still even to this day that she is my soul mate, an I'm not going to give up on us till I'm 100% sure that we were never meant to be.
current mood: content
|
|
|
| Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
| |
10:30 pm - Why?
|
Why does she do this to me?? Why does she bother me so from day to day, All I ever wanted was to make things better, but no I can't that's out of the question. She hates me now. Now more then ever before. She tells me we are over an that she never wants to talk again, an then she talks to me only to bitch some more at me an make me feel guilty. What can I do??
current mood:  blank
|
|
|
| |
9:46 pm - More everyday shit!
|
God I hate my life! An I hate people trying to tell me that there are people out there who have it worse then I do. An that may be true, I mean look at homeless people an people who have AIDS,. They have it 100 times worse then I do, an yet they go though life trying to make it, trying to survive. An then there are people like me who have a few problems, who end up trying to take there own life cause they think they have it so bad. I guess when it comes right down to it, I'm just a weak minded person who can't deal with the stress like other people can. An as a direct result of it I try to take my own life, not as a way to get pity, or try an hurt everyone around me. I do it cause I want out.
current mood:  confused
|
|
|
| Thursday, March 9th, 2006
| |
1:05 pm - .....
|
Hey everyone so sorry I have not been on, Had a really rough couple of days.
It all happened Friday morning about 4:30 a.m, didn't get much sleep that day or the past couple days. Talking to my girlfriend, Well ex now.... She broke up with me that day, said that things were just not like they had started out to be. 2 years an one month together, all the fights, all the good times, everything ever done together now gone all because of one stupid mistake I made Friday morning. I guess you really don't know someone as good as you thought you did until they break you're heart.
Well Friday I was in the hospital for an overdose of Zoloft, yea I suffer from depression... that day an the past couple to follow everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. I got kicked out of my college, all cause they say that depression is not their problem, which is true I guess. All the time, work, an money I put into that was all a waste, They said that I had two choices, either pay 15,000 again or drop out. An well like most people I can't afford to pay that amount of money again. Then I lost my job, All because I don't have a pussy, or suck dick, so all my hours went to everyone else. So I told him where he could go with that. Then everything with my parents, my mother is the biggest slut I know. She cheated on my Father with some in-bread red neck slack-jawed back-woods asshole. So now I am away from everyone I love an care about, my brother, sister, an father. So that was a bunch of stress I really didn't need. An then on top of everything else in my life I found out that my brother is hooked on drug's. Now I always thought my brother was better then that. I am so lost right now, I don't know where to go, or what to do, or how to even go about doing it. My ex won't even talk to me, my family thinks I'm crazy, I guess maybe I am. But after everything that has happened to me in the past couple days I still just can't help but think, would everyone be better of if I was dead??
current mood: depressed
|
|
|
| Sunday, February 5th, 2006
| |
3:31 pm - DEATH NOT BEING THE WAY
|
I held the knife so close to my heart.
Like a foolish child I sat and I cried,
Didn't realize what I had done,
What I had tried.
Tears mixed with blood,
Falling slowly to the ground.
Covered in blood, pulled myself up,
in tears scribed:
"To those who don't care,
to those who can't see,
Never Give up always thrive to be free."
Didn't know how many people would later cry.
"Tried to be free, yet I see this isn't the way."
Friend at the door, ran as fast as he could.
Too weak to say I'm sorry,
otherwise I would.
In tears, looked at the blue sad day.
When you come and see this pool of blood an me,
This isn't the way my life was meant to be.
|
|
|
| Saturday, February 4th, 2006
| |
10:49 pm - "Life is a Prison"
|
Life is a prison,
oh god let me out.
No one to listen,
To hear when you shout.
Climb the walls of insanity,
Ride the waves of despair.
If you fall it don't matter,
There's no one to care.
Used to wish for a window,
To see birds, trees an sky,
But you're better without one-
stops you aiming too high.
Watching freedom is painful,
For those locked away.
Seeing joy, love an happiness,
Another price that you pay.
Strong is good, weak is bad.
Be it false, be it true.
Your mind makes the choice,
And enforces it too.
Cell walls built by society,
With rules to adhere.
If you breach the acceptable,
You had better beware.
Hid the pain, carry on,
Routine is the key.
Don't let on that you're not,
What you're pretending to be.
Lock it all up inside you,
How badly that bodes.
Look out for that one day,
When it all just explodes.
Leaving naught but a shell,
Base functionality too.
But killing all else,
That was uniquely you.
So how do you grow,
With a time-bomb inside?
Or how to defuse it,
Without destroying it's ride?
-You can't!-
current mood: depressed
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
xxshakezullaxx's journal